So I'm angry. But not in the most conventional way of being angry. In a retrospective, internal type of anger. Looking back on something I could have said or done in the past. Realizing that if I would have said or done more in the past maybe this would not have happened. Maybe I could have saved him from his fate, the fate of losing that which many wish they had. Of losing the opportunity to be greater than he might be otherwise. The chance literally to do what a few thousand can do, compared to the billions of people in the world. To be able to take advantage of something and use it to one's own benefit. I feel bad. I feel like I could have done or said something that could have flipped a switch in his head. Maybe if I would have been more serious, or more stern, or demanded better from a person that looks up to me he wouldn't be having this problem. Maybe if I wouldn't have joked about it so much he would have made the change. Maybe if I was there more, even though it is not my responsibility; if I was there more maybe then I could have helped make a change.
What sucks is that I know that this is not my problem. He's not my family and not my responsibility. Not my brother. But I can say that I love him just the same: as a younger brother. As a brother the same way I love the brothers I spent four years growing up with. And because I feel this way, I can't help but feel terrible. And I guess this is just me, my personality. I guess this is another sign towards what I will do with my life. Help people, through my own experiences and my knowledge. To continue to learn. I don't want to hear bad news like this again and know that I could have done something to stop it. It hurts me worse than it hurts that person sometimes and I hate that feeling. I want to feel good for that person, to know that maybe something I did or said helped them along the way to success. And that's what it boils down to: success. Maybe I know things that others don't, that I have to tell them. Overall I think I want him and anyone else to be successful. And because I know I could have done something, I feel like I failed. So I'm angry. Angry at myself, at the situation. What more could I have done to make a change? Anything? Since I didn't I can't help but wonder what if. Lesson of today: do what you can when you know it's right. There will be no regrets in the end.
That is all
